This morning my husband and I had a brief interaction that broke my heart wide open. And as I have learned to do over the past few years, I allowed the pain to wash over me.
It wasn’t necessarily that we hadn’t agreed upon what we discussed or it came as a surprise to me. We are in the process of detangling ourselves from an emotional codependency. We have been for about three years now. My husband has been and is aware that changes are necessary for us both to find “happiness” but he is not consciously aware of what we are doing energetically, as he isn’t open to that perspective yet. I am, however, (sometimes painfully) aware of the changes both on the physical and energetic level. And although I can see the end results will bring us back together in an emotional wholeness, I still feel the pain of separation.
This energetic and emotional detangling, though, cannot be achieved without the outer decision to let go and move away.
The answer always lies hidden within the paradox. We must relinquish that which we have an attachment to or a perceived “need to have”, in order to truly move forward in our quest for peace, abundance, joy, love and all that we desire.
It’s not that we have to permanently “lose” this outside attachment, whether it be a relationship, house, job, money, car etc., but rather we must release the NEED to have it to maintain a wholeness and peace within. I have experienced the process of “letting go” within all aspects of my life. All outside attachments have been stripped from me, at first reluctantly and eventually willingly, as I explore my soul; my inner strength, abundance, empowerment, and knowing that nothing outside of myself can bring me the peace I find in the relationship with my soul.
So, my husband and I are being guided by our higher selves or souls (which is just a broader aspect of us) to release our current relationship in order to explore and deepen the connection to our truth within. This is the energetic process of unraveling any codependency dynamic within a relationship. It creates an avenue to resolve the “you complete me” syndrome. Very often, marriages and partnerships are formed with both conscious and unconscious hopes of completing each other…of finding that which we believe that we lack in someone else….old paradigm thinking. The idea of needing a partner to complete us is an often-pushed ruse which never fails to disappoint.
The truth is that noone else can or should complete you…that is too much of a burden for anyone to endeavor, does not encourage a harmonious relationship, and most importantly limits our own emotional maturity. Much like building a home that will stand the test of time requires a strong foundation, partnerships endure and thrive when both parties learn to find their strength and love within first. When the premise of a relationship is “I will love you always. If I do not, please see the fine print”…and the fine print lists all of the conditions whereby the other person needs to fulfill various needs in order for you to love them…that would be defined as conditional love..it sells both you and the relationship short.
The other very important truth is that no one is truly lacking of anything….and if you believe that you are, the quickest route to discovering it or healing the wound that keeps you stuck is to relinquish any aspect of your life which enables your disempowerment. Our experiences and belief systems keep many of us mired in “not enough”, but that is based on a perspective, not fact, which if explored can change. I have found, that when you remove the crutch from your life that prevents you from exploring and testing your true strength…when you walk towards the pain in your life, which is like a lighthouse calling you home…the rewards are far greater than you could ever imagine.
So, we are asked to journey alone. To dive deep into the bowels of our own individual beliefs, where we perceive ourselves to be lacking, wounded and not enough, find the truth of our wholeness, and then return to each other with the experience of those understandings.
My husband and I are exploring our own perceived limitations. Moving through the belief systems that held us codependent or unhealthily intertwined, so that our partnership or love could be based on two emotionally complete human beings. And, I know, with every cell of my being that we will return to each other. And, yet, I must be at peace with wherever the journey takes us…together or apart…we are enough..we are complete….we are whole.
The paramount message I wish to share, however, is not about the dynamics of relationships. It’s about the pain.
I have spent the past five years with pain in various forms. You could say, in some ways, pain and I have become friends. What have I learned from the hurt and sometimes agony, you ask?
Lean into it….move toward it…whatever you do, don’t avoid it….pain is the billboard on the road to all that you desire screaming, “look at me!”, “explore me!”.
So, feel the pain and let it wash over you, stripping you of anything that holds you back.
If you ignore it, the pain gets louder….your higher self does whatever it can to get your attention…..nothing is more important than the evolution of your soul.
And, it never hurts as much or for as long as you imagined….it’s never as scary as you originally perceived…….and when you look back, you say, “that was not so bad”, with profound gratitude for the gifts that it brought you. The hurt pales in comparison to the unshakeable peace offered to you once you have moved through it.
Pain’s primary job is to bring attention to whatever isn’t working in your life…allow it do do its job…lean into it…move through it…and you will be blown away by what greets you on the other side.