Yesterday afternoon, I was in Target with my girls picking up drinks for my daughter’s softball game. I was feeling a bit (that’s an understatement) overwhelmed by the idea of filling a summer break with fun for my children. I was mulling over the the piles of laundry in my basement to be washed, dishes to be unloaded from the dishwasher and more to be reloaded for washing, bathrooms to be cleaned, floors to be vacuumed, and errands to be run. I was also contemplating all of the logistics that needed to be finished before my husband left for Europe for a week the next day, and the individual, daily nurturing required for three children, a black lab, a cat and a bearded dragon. Although my goal is to to continue to empower all of the household so that we live and share responsibility, that is an ongoing endeavor and I know that the buck stops with me.
Needless to say that I had a river of feelings flowing in the background. A large undercurrent of subconcious scripts were playing and building momentum deep within me.
So, it’s no surprise that my girls felt that energy and started to complain and then argue about nothing. I heard a long litany of their concerns of being cold in the refrigerated section of Target, hungry, thirsty, needing new cleats, another pair of softball pants, a second bathing suit…to me it was an unending reflection of what I was feeling… I am not enough.
And although I would love to say that I centered and aligned myself, creating an energy that permeates peace for all, I didn’t. I couldn’t see it. I was bombarded from the inside and out.
And, before I knew what was happening, my oldest daughter had gotten so frustrated that she took the can she was drinking of San Pelligrino Limonata sparkling soda and dumped the (very fortunately) small remainder on her little sister’s head in the children’s clothes section. No wonder retail stores discourage their patrons from drinks and food while shopping.
At this point, I was way beyond reason and balance myself. So I took my youngest daughter, who was crying and covered in a sticky mess of of Limonata, left my cart and headed out the door to the parking lot. My older daughter followed us in bewilderment at her own loss of control, confusion about how everything had transpired and anger still bubbling within her. Let’s just say that we made it home and eventually managed to find some peace and quiet. But as soon as I sat down on the blanket in my backyard to spend quiet time with my girls, my son, who was at a local pool with his friends, called because he needed a ride home. STAT. So off I went to grab him.
The rest of the day and evening transpired with much less drama, but I couldn’t find my center. I couldn’t hear my inner voice of truth and wisdom. The doubt and unease from my logical and egoic mind was bombarding me with “ugh” and lack and not enough.
And just to add insult to injury, my husband was on Long Island at a golf club, called The Creek, playing nine holes and having a civilized meal with old friends and colleagues. And that really burned my butt too. Really?! You get golf, fine cutlery, cloth napkins and a meal where you sit down and eat without interruption and I get laundry, dishes, arguments, and a frozen burrito on the run to the next task at hand of being a “stay-at-home” mom.
Suffice it to say that I was NOT in touch with any soul dialogue. At all.
This morning I woke up to my husband showering to bring my daughter to her all-day softball tournament. And I remembered that I hadn’t spoken to him about moving money to our joint account so that I could write various checks including one I would be giving as graduation present today at the party of a close friend of the family. My husband asked me to run to the dry cleaners for him because he didn’t have shirts for his trip. And I replied “Sure, but I need money”. And, he looked at me in a state of disbelief as he had just recently moved money into our joint account and all that was left was $75. (I am knee deep in lessons about my relationship to and understanding of inner abundance and power but that’s for another post)
So that was all it took to put me over the edge of inner composure and balance. The dam of feelings exploded. Anger shot out of me, much like the character in the movie and game “Inside Out”, like an internal cannon ball shearing through all of my feelings of indignancy of what I was experiencing. How dare he? I was off to the races exploding emotions at him and anyone in ear shot about what I perceived as an insurmountable load of responsibility. I felt unfairly burdened and victimized. And just as I was hitting my stride in this tirade, my husband said the words most despised by the person who stays home with the children and manages the household.
My husband spit out, “Well, what is it that you DO all day?”
Yep, he said it.
And, as you can imagine, the spewing of anger escalated.
Only a few minutes later, however, my husband and daughter fled to the game, my youngest daughter hung in the background “waiting to give me a hug” and my son fell back into a morning slumber in his bed. And, as much as I wished that I had handled it all differently, I found a relief from expressing my pent up frustration and could finally find peace.
I continue to realize that there are times when you have to release these feelings in the healthiest way that you can muster. And I have learned to choose lessons and learning over regrets, mistakes and self-loathing. All of the emotions humanity experiences serve a purpose, and feeling guilt about them only keeps you in the state of despair.
I also recognize that I can choose each new moment as a fresh slate. I can relinquish all of the past for the experience and knowledge I have gained from it. You do not have to drag it forward. Time itself is part of the illusion or game. It doesn’t exist outside of this reality. Everything is now. In fact there are billions of timelines and just as many parallel earths, which exist waiting for you to choose them. I have seen this in action.
You can easily choose to relinquish every moment of the “past” without regret. It’s a choice. Don’t drag the energy into the present or now and it very quickly dissipates welcoming in a new reality of peace and balance. Just choose it.